Everyone knows Carly died last year, but I have not written about the circumstance. Mostly just becasue there has been so much to deal with on so many levels that I just didn't feel like it. So here goes. Carly had been struggling with a heroin problem. I don't know why but I still never call it an addiction though clearly it was.I guess I have known of "junkies" ...either people in recovery or stories on tv, They were people who used everyday. Had to have the drug just to be functional. Carly was not there. She was using sometimes. A couple years ago when I decided to go back to Tony. Carly made it clear she did not want to go. She moved in with her boyfriend at the time. She had just graduated high school. I was super sad about it but understood. I would visit her regulary with the twins and we..well I was trying to help her fix the house up. It was a huge progect. Johns mom had moved and let John ad Carly take over the house. This meant clearing out tons of junk and crap and they suddenly had bills and needed room mates but still had ths huge task of making space for them. Carly took this all on herself. She was frustrated and stressed all the time. Eventually the house was full of teen agers and became the hang out house. After a year Johns mom wanted them out. Carly had to move home with me. She and John had broken up during this time and before he left the house he wrote me a letter saying how worried he was about her. He said whe was doing some "heavy" drugs. I knew she partied and could not nail him down about what drugs they were. I never ever once though heroin. I would ask her about it and she would fiercly deny anything. I noticed no use at the time she lived with me. She was there a short time, and then we all moved out once agian as I knew things would never work with Tony. I had asked Johns mom if we could move into her house. So back she went but this time as a family. We had fun really being able to fix the house up this time. Carly was a huge help to me. I had begun workng for the first time in ten years and I had the little boys just starting school. She would babysit and do alot of the driving. She had a job and a bofriend who the family loved. Some time that year around halloween she had an overdose. I never knew this til months later Max told me. At a routine check up for Abby I asked our dr about it and he was able to access he file on line. It was true and I was stunned. I of course confronted her about it. She was very nonchalant and even was sort of lauging about it. Never taking anything serious. Carly was always so reckless wth herself. Thats the best way I can describe it. This was months later and she assured me it was a non issue. Keep in mind I was living with her so was not seeing any signs of use. I did however begin to at least look for signs. i would question her about marks on her feet which she always had some explination for. I looked for track marks in the obvious place...the arms and they were never there. I would notice a certain messed upness that was not typical. I knew what drunk looked like. This one was different and usually brought out a certain whiny-ness and repetitivness. still no nodding out or anything obvious....to me anyway. She kept her use well hidden and it was sporradic enough that she could do this. Her friends began to tell me more about it and their concerns. Still without her admitting anything I felt there was little I could do. She was still home most of the time. Still being a good daughter and still holding a job. I made her Dad aware of the problems and together we tried to help her. One sunday she drove Abby to baltimore to visit her grandmother. Abby, who had become very close to Carly and kept all her confidences, finally came clean. On this particualar trip, Carly had been in and out of consiousness and Abby on several occasions had to grab the wheel to keep the car on the road. This was it. We decided that Carly would no longer drive and that she would live with her grandmother to be away from the environment and the friends that now also used. She did move there adn was none to happy about it. But she adjusted. She got two jobs and seemed to enjoy being in Baltimore..which is where she had grown up. She was gonig to the gym and reconnecting with family. Her Dad lives there too so was very involved with her. He got her to a psychiarist who finally diagnosed her sever aniety disorder along with a serious ADD problem. I kept in contant contact with her and missed her like cazy. She was still coming up on the weekends sometimes. I had just moved to a new apartment on the 25th. I was woken up at around 6:00 April 30 by a phone call from her dad. As soon as I saw it was him I thought ..oh shit this can't be good. He said his mom had called and Carly had had an overdose overnight and he didn't think it was good. He said he would call me as soon as he knew anything. I hung up the phone and did a mental scan of the world and clearly felt her lacking. I began crying immediatly. With in minutes he called back and said the words that are forever seared in the soul.."shes dead". I became histraicly crying and had to wake Abby and tell her. Your sister is dead..we have to go to Baltimore. We showed up at her grandmothers to find police cars and ambulance and all kinds of comotion. Carlys boyfriend had come the night before and brought her some heroin. it was not more than usual and we are not sure why or how and I guess it doesn't matter but those are the things you try to figure out in some desperate attempt to make some sence of it. Rob siad he wanted to kick her bofriends ass. I was clear right away that he was not to blame. We all know addictions well enought to know that if you want something you will find away to get it. Still I just felt awful for him. There are weird things I remember vividly. I remember sitting on the curb outside the hosue and telling my new boyfriend..who was at a ball game wih his daughter. I told him what had happened but kept thinking how unfair you are at a ball game with your daugher when mine is dead. I remember Carlys aunt showing up later with her children and thinking how dare you have the nerve to have "all' your children. The days were a blur as I made the trip to baltimore each day. I needed to be with all the people who loved her adn all her stuff. Her dad did not want to be around her things and I could not get enough. The first day I got there they had taken her away already. I was given her personal affects in an envelope. I put on the chain with the skate board ball bearing that she had worn from the time she was 13 or 14. I never take it off. Abby and I began taking her stuff up to york and my litte two bedroom apartment became filled so fast. She had so much stuff. We put on her clothes and cried and talked and cried. She was so present there though, even though she had never gotten to see my new apartment. One night I woke to feel her energy just fill every single spot in my bedroom. The world immediatly had a flatness. it still does but not as bad. The edges of feelings and colors are gone. Joy is slightly muted and happiness, while still there has a dusty quality to it. Still it is getting better. My next concern wth Carlys death was getting max home. He was in big sur and we had no way to find him. I had the last number from where he had called and luckily someone helped tarck him down over a couple days. When he finally called I told him what had happened and we made plans fopr him to get the bus here. That is one of the other moments that stands out so clearly still. Max walking out of his grandmohers house. He was fresh and full of life and stories and gifts. He gave me a piese of jade he had found on the beach. This he wrapped in brass and I stuck it right on the ball bearing necklace. This I wear always too. You can see this necklace in all my pictures and I get lots of questions about it. I am happy to share. I talk about Carly every day. I keep her so pesent. people who never knew her...know her. Her flavor...her humor.. her personality ..her craziness...and her uniquness. I miss her every minute of every day. Lately I look everyday to find the exact shade of blue in the sky that is the color of her eyes. It is usually at the edge of the sky in the evening. Its a greyish silvery blue.I look in the night sky for her too. She had the little dipper in freckels on her cheek. She is nowhere but she is everywhere. 
This was the Easter outfit she wore to her grandmothers just weeks before. This is typically Carly. | 
